The Subject of Suicide – How it all starts: The Beginning of a Wanted End Part 2

Warning: Photo may be disturbing for readers

For this SoS post I wanted to return to the previous theme of the feelings that can lead a person to begin considering the concept of taking their life – by sharing the feelings I was experiencing before I attempted myself.

My previous post last week was on the concept of loss. Today’s post I wanted to focus on the second feeling that was strong enough to lead me to want to end my life – and that feeling is the feeling of betrayal, the feeling one gets when confronted by lies.

A lie is a simple as telling someone his/her shoes are nice when in reality, you dislike them completely. Many will argue this scenario is okay. Others will retort that it leads to only worse lies. I side a little with both schools.

The terrible lies are the ones I am referring to. The lies that perpetuate acts of manipulation, deception and self-gain in the highest degree – the ones that are categorized underneath social engineering.

Now I’m going to do something a little different. I’m going to share with readers a photo I took during one of my attempts – a note I wrote for someone to find me had my attempt actually succeeded. The note was written on the only material I had around me at the time, and beside it I placed the material I was using to end my life – shards of glass.

This note was written in response to the deceptions I gave into.

It says “So how can I, forget the way you lead me through the path into Heaven, to leave me behind.”

It’s a lyric from a song written by the rock band Disturbed. Before I go further, the song did not influence me in the attempt. I used its lyrics because I felt like it was best at expressing the betrayal I was going through, the betrayal that was created by lies.

I was a victim of lies. The social engineering created by those manipulations of finances, of possessions, of faith, of the heart, the list goes on.

And when the truth came out, I attempted something like the little Dutch boy did with his finger in the dam against the sea – I tried to hold it back.

It didn’t work. The truth overwhelmed me and swept me in an emotional vortex. It led my mind to consider giving into the tides and losing myself to the ocean of the painful reality I was suddenly forced to accept.

I leave out specifics because despite the pain and the deception, not even the perpetrators should be defamed and libeled. Privacy and respect will remain a definitive in my list of values, so my expression of how the pain from lies led me to contemplate and attempt suicide will refer to the material of the matter, not the people in question.

How can you know that your friend of concern may be a victim of deception? The kind that leads to thoughts of suicide? How can you help them cope when the eventual reality strikes?

Remember that first of all, they must discover it for themselves. In a situation where a person is chained by another, and doesn’t even realize it, the person must become his/her own savior. All others who try to get involved may be seen as an enemy without evidence of the reality. No friend wants to eliminate hope, and even false hope has a power, despite its illusory nature, that can destroy precious friendship.

Guidance is the key to success in allowing the situation from falling into more desperate circumstances. Closeness and maintaining a watch on your friend or family member during the moments that there is suspicion that said person is being lied to and betrayed. Because once they realize the reality, they are going to need you.

Be open. DO NOT USE HINDSIGHT BIAS. There are times when “I told you so” will salt the wound rather than mend it. And a lie that leads to betrayal is one of them.

These are my personal feelings on the subject of lies. It’s a painful issue in a world of abusive, manipulative people. However, we also live in a world where we can team up and show we are stronger as we help each other through it all.

If you wish to increase awareness, especially of how social engineering, manipulation and lies and lead to suicide, please share this post. Comment if you would like to share what you feel about the subject.

– Jeremy Unitt

The Subject of Suicide – How it all starts: The Beginning of a Wanted End Part 1

The beginning of a wanted end. I felt that was the best title and easiest way to highlight my goal in expressing to readers the sentiments that lead to the ideas of something as serious as suicide, to think, and eventually lead to the killing of oneself.

I hope by sharing my experience with this, it will guide readers to pay a little bit more attention to friends and family, to keep an eye out for the warning signs that define the start of the path that leads to only more pain.

I’m going to divide this topic into sub-categories, as each sentiment on its own is powerful enough to lead a person in the direction of life-taking. But the sentiments I will write about are the ones I felt and experienced. There may be others I didn’t feel or recognize, and on that matter I leave to the readers to point out and send to my gmail account with the name of my blog as I too wish to be aware of this subject.

To begin, I can say I know my suicidal thoughts stemmed first from the feelings I got from loss.

To me, loss is a separation of something or someone we once had in our lives. It’s experienced in various levels, and there exists such a level of loss it causes an enormous difference in one person’s life.

It opens a hole where anything and everything tries to fill it – friends, goals, relationships, careers – but to no avail. This profound, deep crevasse in the center of a person is dangerous. If not caught early, it can consume the person…wrapping them up in that hole where there may be no escape.

This was one of the reasons I wanted to end my life.

Solution?

If you know anyone’s experienced loss in their lives in any degree, keep an eye out. Don’t just express condolences and feel that will be enough to help. It’s a wonderful gesture to say sorry and show you want their pain to go away.

But I’ve learned there’s enough a difference between what a person knows and what a person feels. And in the battle against one’s self, a “sorry for your loss” will not help a grief-filled individual find the strength to not be consumed by the hole.

Aid the person of concern by helping (not forcing) them to take their focus away from the hole. I know there’s no way to fill it, and trying puts one’s self in grave danger.

Help them change direction. Acknowledge the loss but be open to the new paths that can still be taken.

If its necessary, be blunt. State your goal of wanting to help them focus in a new direction. Its better to have them mad at you now for your concern then having to ask yourself why didn’t you try harder.

Next post I’m going to talk about the feelings that come from lies. The second feeling that led to my suicidal decision.

Please share and comment, spread awareness. Learn what you can do to help.

– Jeremy Unitt

The Subject of Suicide and my Attempt – A Very Serious Post

The primary reason I’m posting this is because I want my readers’ attention. I know that sounds extremely monstrous of me. But continue reading.

For the past week I was in a residential treatment center working on a plan to treat my depression. Because a week earlier I attempted to commit suicide.

It was after that moment, when my life was saved, that I had a chance to realize the seriousness of my condition.

So yes, I want your attention. But not in the way you think. I want your attention on this subject. The subject of suicide. Its seriousness and most importantly, what we can do as readers and bloggers to promote awareness and sources of help to those in need.

I don’t want any reader here to feel sad or sorry for what happened. I want readers to be aware.

I want my experience to be used for good. Keeping it to myself was the true danger.

So I’m going to be open for the sake of others who suffer like me. And dedicate several posts on this subject to promote awareness.

This will be the first. If you are with me on this, please like and share this post. Sharing alone will help immensely.

In regards to my attempt, I am okay and I have treatment. And I feel part of my continued treatment can come from helping others any way I can.

Please, spread the awareness.

– Jeremy Unitt

To Express My Will To Give Thanks In Sadness

Well today’s Thanksgiving. The day snuck up on me before I realized it. Perhaps it was all that self-loathing that made the time go by so fast.

Traditionally in any sense, and in following the zeitgeist of the cultural expectation of the month, I should be thinking of things to be thankful for.

I would be grateful for my readers right now to understand that as much as I value the role of gratitude in our society, I seem to be finding myself taking sides with those of the pathos more centered on the negative results of this life. Unfortunately.

“Well then, change your mind and be grateful for once!” That would seem to be the correct reply in regards to my feelings.

But I am making the choice to dwell on the negativity of my life because I am choosing to be realistic.

I am at the point in my life where I feel I have lost everything. That I had it real good. Too good to be true. And in a moment’s blink, it all vanished, disintegrated in the decadence of a despicable ingrate.

= me.

So what’s the point of this word spill? Rather than let it be the source of satisfaction for your mental ennui, I want it to be the declaration to my readers, and hopefully further outside that circle, of my desire to declare my realization of how ungrateful I’ve been.

Ungrateful for those people who would write me and ask me how I was doing. Ungrateful for the assistance and care provided by the numerous individuals in my life. Ungrateful for that one person who opened my eyes to the reality that despite all errors we can make we can and will still have light and will make good decisions.

Course I’m skimming the tip of the iceberg of all the things I was ungrateful for. These are the first things to come to mind.

So I guess I’m grateful for this realization. Don’t be like me and lose everything and everyone you’ve cared about before you realize how much they mean to you.

– Jeremy Unitt

A Moment’s Reflection Before Midnight

Hello readers.

My vacancy from this website has been something weighing on my mind, primarily due to the reason I created it.

This was meant to be my blog of spiritual foundation builders and experiences, an opportunity to share the peace and joy of my faith with readers everywhere.

An opportunity to be open about the things that made me feel strong.

But I will not lie to any reader right now. The events that have taken place in my life ever since October started has hurt me so profoundly, and has reignited my depression, and I find it immensely difficult to see the spiritual moments of life right now.

Basically the reason why I created this site – to lift up others in moments they are down – has become quite a struggle for me because myself as a writer has fallen down.

And I don’t plan on turning the internet into my space for complaining or just whining about all the terrible things that made have happened to me and try to seek some sort of attention.

I will admit that I’m holding back a large amount of emotion. So in a way this blog post is an attempt to release that emotion. Without making it look like I’m venting.

I’m not even sure if it’ll work.

I miss you. That person knows who they are. I can’t say a name because I don’t want to make a scene. But I can’t can’t sit back and pretend everything is okay. That I can walk away and say “that sucked, never doing that again”. I let this person in deep, deeper into the convoluted mess that would be my heart, than I have let anyone else, and now with that person’s absence, there is a grand void. A hole.

I want to fill it with something. Purpose. A goal. Selfishness has been suggested. But I can’t seem to figure out what. And why everyone’s advice isn’t working. Most say walk away and let it be, get over it, let it go (yes, cue in up-tempo tune in your heads as I’m trying to unload here) but it’s not happening. I don’t know why. Is that what love is? The painful unyielding unsatisfied need for something you’ll never have? The anxiety of wondering where is the line between trying too hard and not trying enough? Watching someone make a choice to wound themselves because they feel it better suits their needs and you stand in the dark and watch it happen because you have no power outside of coercion to help them?

Is love always asking why?

The light in this post can be simply this: I suffer too. I have pain. I have cried too many times for what has happened. And I cry now. And I don’t know when I’ll stop.

So I want my readers to know. I don’t write to be some self-righteous typical run-of-the -mill Latter Day Saint. I write as the failing, full of errors, promise-breaking and repairing to idly break again human being with a battered faith in a restored gospel that knows that despite the deepest blackest pit of hell I may find myself in, there is Someone who has been there previously.

So I plead with all readers out there. Do not give up hope. I am trying my absolute hardest not to. And I cannot bare to think that there are some out there that do.

And to that person I am referring to, by some miracle this is read by you, know that I miss you.

Know that all I want is to see you come home. I don’t care how far you’ve gone. Just come home.

-Jeremy Unitt

To give in order to gain – the role of questions

So I’m currently taking the summer version of Business and Professional speech.

Since personal blogs generally intend to promote personal recommendations – I definitely promote this course with Prof. Wood, if anyone is in the Central Texas area.

As a result of incredible teaching and helpful application, during the class I made a huge connection.

I learned that some types of language make a speaker sound less powerful.

On that list of less powerful speech, the book lists as number 5 – questions.

It says in the book even a single type of powerless speech mannerism can make a person appear less authoritative.

Interesting thing then – how God wills that we ask Him. He wills that we ask Him for anything, especially something related to the decision making process. (James 1:5)

Then why doesn’t anybody really want to? I mean following the idea that faith gives us, this “God-guy” knows everything. Why don’t we ask? (Of course I don’t write in irreverence, more in an under the sun point if view if you will)

And as I considered what the class was teaching me, I realized something really important:

We have to literally step down in communcation, give up the power of speech inherit in us, to allow someone else (even God) control over the understanding element in our lives.

It’s less powerful to ask questions. And who in this postmodern world of distrust of authority figures wants to be less powerful?

It makes sense how the repentant, the lowly, the meek, all exhibit one of the hardest qualities in human existence: humility.

How did they start? With less powerful speech. They gave their power to communicate to someone else.

They started with a question.

Can you?

From One Ancestor To Another – Temple Blessings

There are moments in life that defy human speech and words to describe them.

Moments such as the birth of a long awaited family member; a thank you hug for a gift, no matter how much it cost; a chance to truly appreciate a loved one; exist beyond the threshold of human description.

At times the best we can do is weep with these powerful emotions inside of us. Tears of joy and gratitude fall where words cannot go.

I had one of those moments today.

I had a chance to perform the endowment ordinance for my deceased grandfather. Through what has taken place, my grandfather has received a secured place at the presence of God, and if he so chooses, he can accept the gospel and receive that secured place as his own.

If it wasn’t for my paternal fourth great grandfather, who received the gospel lessons from Parley P. Pratt, my maternal grandfather would have had to go through a longer waiting period to receive the blessings offered through Christ.

I met my grandfather when I was a baby. I don’t remember it at all. But what I can appreciate is the sacrifices he made to give my mother the life opportunies she had. I’m grateful to him for that.

But in any other faith, because he didn’t accept Jesus Christ in this life, his eternal destiny was fixed at suffering.

But according to the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, it’s actually entirely and mercifully different. The truth declares those who heard not the message STILL HAS A CHANCE.

Luke 15 is a great illustration. I read it in the temple and wept, moved beyond words.

I’m so thankful for having had this opportunity to transfer the blessings of one ancestor to another. I’m so thankful for the mercy of God through His beloved son Jesus Christ.

It’s never too late for anyone.

– Jeremy Unitt

It’s your turn to rise again: A letter to a sinner

all our lemmony things

I thought of you today.

It’s a day before Easter Sunday and I was finally able to see “Son of God” in theaters. A fitting time, if you ask me.

Throughout the movie I tended to focus on a particular person: The sinner.

Judas, who betrayed Jesus all for a handful of coins and ended his life because of the shame of it. Peter, who denied Christ three times and couldn’t even bear to sit at the foot of the cross because of his shame. The woman caught in the act of adultery, who cried at Christ’s feet and expected nothing except a stone.

The woman in the crowd who reached out to simply touch the hem of His garment–hoping that it would simply make her clean again. The pharisees, who within their doubt and corrupted laws, hammered nails through the purest hands that ever came to earth and then fell to their knees when…

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The Guardian of an Angel #BecauseofHim

To write a sort of preface, this short story is a combination of real life events and perspective gathered through practice of the faith of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I had an experience that allowed this story to be created in my mind to accurately depict one of the numerous amounts of blessings available because of Jesus Christ and what He did for us. And when I accepted the Easter Challenge to post about the Savior and things that can come to pass because of Him, I felt it was time to release this short story. I’d like to thank Kelsey Warthen, who helped with the editing, information, some wonderful additions and proofreading, and I’m eternally grateful for the opportunity to be able to write this, to be able to feel the truth that is presented in this perspective. #BecauseofHim Please read, share, comment and reflect on the blessings available by and through Christ!

“Johnathan Castilian is a noble man,” his closest friends would say to describe him.

“I couldn’t ask for a better husband. I already have him,” his wife would say.

“If I need help, John is the first one to come,” his neighbors and co-workers would state on numerous occasions.

He was a best friend, the moral compass in many instances, and a person that anyone would be proud to associate with.

Despite all the praise for his efforts, Johnathan was unsatisfied. He had feelings of inadequacy which he kept to himself because he couldn’t quite explain them. These hidden feelings were always very strong. But they felt the strongest every time he tended to his 1 year old son – his only son – who was diagnosed with cerebral palsy.

Up until that last year, Johnathan had never felt so incapable. He was raised in New York and was taught to take all situations and find the best in them. He made this attitude a guiding principle in his life with his wife and two daughters. Then Alex was born. Everything changed. Johnathan tried desperately to hold on to hope, but his hope and strength and breath were seized by the crushing vice grips of helplessness.

The doctor explained Alex’s condition to them. He explained that Alex would need dozens of surgeries just to stay alive. There was fluid on Alex’s brain. His body was so tiny. Johnathan heard the words but could not see how his small son, his perfect son, his beautiful son could have something so hard ahead of him. Johnathan and his wife lived in and out of the hospital for months and then they finally got to take their little boy home. The doctor explained that Alex would live his life in wheelchairs. Alex would need special beds and braces. They went to classes and support groups. Johnathan learned how to how to care for Alex. He followed what he learned with a robot-like quality of obedience. He refused to make a mistake, and when something went wrong, he felt it was always his fault. It wasn’t long before he began to feel that the reason his son had such a condition was because he had done something wrong. Something made him rationalize that the condition was a direct result of his own mistakes. He felt as if this was some sort of punishment. He felt like he must have done something wrong and now his sweet boy was paying the price.

He went to church. He heard the stories of miracles. People were born paralyzed and Jesus healed them of their conditions. He envisioned a day where his faith would allow his son to walk. But every time he looked at his son in a medical helmet or watched his wife hold Alex’s head up from falling too far, his faith would wane.

One Sunday, the teacher spoke of the power of prayer. He said that all God’s children have a right to answers to their questions. His chest leaped at the mention of an answer. He felt his faith strengthen again. “If I pray with a sincere heart, I can know what the Lord intends for my son!” He thought. Though it was hard for him to admit, he wanted to know if this was his fault. He wanted to know if he had done something in the past that had caused his son to suffer.

The next day, he stepped hastily out of the room where Alex slept. His insides were writhing in anxiety for what he was about to do. He kissed his wife gently and told her he had to step out to take care of something but he would be back before she went to sleep. He headed out the door with a place in mind. Behind a small myrtle grove, which had been in the Castilian family for three generations, there was a small clearing. This was Johnathan’s favorite place to think and to pray. It was so peaceful. He walked quickly in the cool evening air. He knelt and tried to speak but the words caught in his throat. He swallowed hard, determined to seek the answers to his most terrifying question. He started to speak and this time his voice, though shake, quietly sounded in the night. He shared his burdens and feelings with God.

“I have done everything that I know that would help me draw closer to thee,” he said, choking. “I did all I could because I wanted to be responsible for one of your sons. I’ve loved your daughters that you’ve sent me. But I knew that if I could do everything possible to show thee my desire for a son, thou wouldst grant me this. Now I have him, this precious boy…”

At this point during his prayer, he entered into a new depth of sincerity. The emotions began to take over. Tears forced their way down his cheeks and he could no longer maintain his composure. For the longest time he kept these troubled feelings to himself, hoping they would go away. Now, as he knelt before his God, he could no longer hold it in.

“Father, I have him. I’ve wanted him for so long and now I have him. He can’t speak. He can’t walk. He can’t open his hands long enough for me to hold them…” Johnathan said. He was no longer trying to hold back his emotions. In that clearing, he didn’t have to be strong. He didn’t have to paint on a smile and tell his wife or his little girls that everything would be okay. He didn’t know. He didn’t know that everything was going to be okay and he couldn’t honestly see any outcome where everything would be okay. Alex was broken. It was not okay. It was not okay at all. His shoulders sagged as he felt all the tension and worries release from his body.

“I have chosen to take care of him to the best of my ability. But I cannot help but wonder, Father, did I cause this? Am I to blame for his condition?” Johnathan spoke so freely, he couldn’t tell if what he was saying was fair to himself. It went against what he taught, but the thought of it ate away at him, cancerous and unyielding. There was to be no release from the misunderstanding till he asked for wisdom in faith.

After mentioning one more time in prayer how much he loved his son, he ceased speaking and sobbed silently to himself. The guilt from his feelings of inadequacy he confused for being ungrateful. And the longer he reflected on it, the more he felt that what he had said was incorrect.

The feelings of guilt were suddenly dissipated and a comfortable warmth filled Johnathan’s chest. He raised his head and looked into the sky.

The feeling in his chest gradually spread until it filled his whole body and he knew that his prayer had been heard. He turned his attention to the strengthening warmth coming from within. The feeling helped him realize that this was divinely planned from the beginning, orchestrated by a loving all-knowing being who understood the trial, and knew Johnathan was capable of passing through it. As Johnathan focused and listened, he heard a voice.

“Do not forget the miracle you already have been given. I’ve sent you an angel. I’ve sent you my angel and he may not be able to do all those things. But he can still smile.”

Johnathan thought back to the times when he would feed his son and see him grin from ear to ear. When he would sing and Alex could not stop laughing. The moments when he would say hi after being at work and Alex would switch from his normal curious face to one of pure joy.

Johnathan stood up from the ground and looked in the direction of his house. Holding his hand to his chest and feeling the comfort from within, he said out loud,

“Then I will remember his smile.”

Johnathan did just that. As he cared for Alex, he watched for that smile. He looked forward to his son’s wonderful beaming face. With ever smile and ever laugh Johnathan’s feelings of inadequacy left. The guilt left as he focused his efforts on watching Alex’s joy. And there were moments, too sacred to mention, that Heavenly Father would allow Johnathan to know that Alex was a miracle.

Three more years passed and complications took Alex’s life. They mourned but Johnathan felt no despair. He was sad to see his precious boy go, but he knew if he did all he could to return to God, he’d see Alex again. He held onto those precious memories, especially the memories of Alex’s smile.

Those memories got Johnathan through all the tests and temptations till he crossed the veil himself at the age of 87.

From the room where he passed away, led by a man robed in the most exquisite white, Johnathan could not describe the feelings he had as he saw family members greeting him, shaking his hand, hugging him. They all thanked him for his hard work and diligence in following Jesus Christ. He met aunts and uncles, grandparents, and soon he began to meet people he only knew by name through written record and books. While the crowd of relatives flocked around him to greet him into the new setting of life, Johnathan could see a being, surrounded by the most brilliant light, descending a staircase and parting his family members in order to reach him.

The incandescent individual walked closer to Johnathan, freeing the space around him until they were the only two facing each other. The visitor’s hair, figure and clothing was illumined by the most incredible light, emanating a beauty beyond words. His face, form and stature was perfect, and there was not a single defect that could be seen anywhere. Glorious beyond anything Johnathan had seen while on the other side, the visitor rendered Johnathan speechless. Before he could say anything, the radiant being fell to his knees.

He threw his arms around Johnathan, buried his face and wept. After a moment, this magnificent being looked up, choking on his words, and said two simple syllables.

“Thank you.”

Then he smiled.

I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind.

• Jeffery R. Holland

A MM&B Night – Moon, Mars, and Burglars

Two blog posts in one day? I must be down with the flu or something. Or two consecutive life changing events inspired by gospel understanding principles makes this a special occasion.

I had the chance to catch the lunar eclipse that took place where I live at 2 A.M.

And almost catch a thief in the process of breaking and entering.

My sister and I had made an early decision to see the first total lunar eclipse for this year, and there was a special bonus because it happened the same night as the closest approach of Mars to Earth in years.

Lunar eclipses occur when the moon is full and passes through part or all of the Earth’s shadow.

So the Red Planet and Blood Moon shone together. It was absolutely breathtaking. A powerful reminder of the wonders and marvels that this creation that was made specifically for us, is capable for us.

Don’t you know that? All these wonderful events, all these special phenomena that take place on the face, and outside the face of this earth, is specifically made for us. How special is that?

Sadly enough, as marvelous as it was, it didn’t instill the reverence that it has in the heart of one man I saw that same night.

After I had made several attempts to get my sister’s glasses from her room, she reported to me the suspicious appearance of a man who was walking down the street. I believed it was a mere runner or perhaps another stargazer, such as ourselves.

But as I was taking photos, she said softly, “there he is again.”

And I looked, stopping dead in my tracks.

The man was crouched, weaving in between the pockets of darkness that were made by the neighbor’s car off of the porch light, attempting to either break into the vehicle, or the house itself.

It didn’t take long for the both of us to figure out what was going on. And attempting my very best to not terrify my sister (I have no images to hold, I was truly fearful) I called 911 and explained the situation.

The man dressed in black took off running before the cops came to find him. And we were pretty upset.

But nothing feels better than to hear a police officer thank you, and tell you that you just stopped a burglary.

Lessons from this?

First, trust in the Lord, and act. If you see something going on that shouldn’t be happening, then do what you can to fix it. This includes calling in on suspicious activity. Each and every single one of us is engaged in a good cause, to better this society. One of those ways is allowing those who descend to the pits of criminal activity to find penance and redeem themselves by paying in full.

Second, don’t attempt a robbery during an astronomical event. Chances are, there will be people watching.

• Jeremy Unitt